The Old Solider and The Ruddy-Faced Caterer from the Country were reaching their climax.  The Beehive and her role in that particular triumvirate was long-since departed and forgotten.  But this was The Big One and The Soldier and The Caterer were not going to let anything or anyone get in the way of their pivotal... Continue Reading →

I had a couple of drinks on the way there.  Opening Nights at the opera company were, it was clear at first sight, a combination of booze-soaked debauchery, drama-queenery and incompetence.  There was no way to get through them apart from micro-managing via a haze of warm white wine, the first glass of which was served from... Continue Reading →

I had a couple of drinks on the way there.  The Heritage Organisation had acquired and refurbished a new property that was relatively close to the flat that I was sharing with a university friend and an Italian bookshop assistant.   Our evenings, therefore, mainly consisted of pot smoking and pasta eating.  I popped home on the way from... Continue Reading →

The Unexpected Sexpot’s mother was an unbearable tyrant whose presence in the VIP Bar at the Concert Hall was roundly dreaded by us all.  I needed a couple  of drinks before I got there, whenever Mummy was in town. The Unexpected Sexpot’s status as such was the result of some illicit sleuthing for which I should be... Continue Reading →

Working at The Regional Theatre for my first job was not only a source of great pride but also great boozing.   And neither were less of the case than when it came to Press Nights and Christmas Parties.  Press Nights were an opportunity to get shouted at by the Press Officer for, she thought, carelessly and... Continue Reading →

We were prepared to try anything in our efforts to raise both profile and money (the old adage of ‘friends-raising before fundraising’) for a heritage attraction that should have been more popular than it was.  I might discuss my personal foray into Crufts-territory on another occasion, but in the early days of campaigning we took the... Continue Reading →

The Croatian Hand Model was free one particular Saturday evening and she thought that that would be the perfect opportunity for us to meet to discuss the marketing for her forthcoming fundraising campaign on behalf of the Orchestra.  I had a couple of drinks on the way there. I was truly sympathetic to the fact that... Continue Reading →

This was on the one that confirmed to me the indisputable need for drinking on the job.  I hadn’t had a drink on the way there but I definitely had one on the way home.  More than one.  At the pub next to the venue.  On the train back to North London.  In the kitchen when I got there.  And probably... Continue Reading →

The regular visits to the Second Tier East Midlands City always required a drink on the way there.    They might have had a concert hall with exceptionally sympathetic acoustics and curry houses to rival New Delhi’s but it was that extra half hour away from London, in comparison to other ‘one night stand venues’, that classed... Continue Reading →

The Inventor had been introduced to us via the unlikely avenue of the overly-aggressive South American Horn Enthusiast.  The suggestion that they were ‘dear friends’ was extremely hard to compute.  I couldn’t imagine the latter having any friends, never mind ‘dear’ ones.  I was abruptly informed that The Inventor liked singing and pianists and that... Continue Reading →

The Redneck Millionaire liked being chased.  He was famous for it.   Being pursued for his millions and brutally evading capture for a seemingly endless but actually fixed amount of time, whilst berating the individual who he was dealing with for their ineptitude was his ‘thing’.  Until the deal was closed that is, at which point you were declared... Continue Reading →

The Middle Eastern Dictator’s Cousin had terrible skin.  That was my first, only and lasting impression of meeting this particular multi-millionaire from Monte Carlo.  It was acne upon the remnants and scars of acne upon the ravages of sand-based warfare. I’d assumed the final bit. ‘His People’s People’ had heard, a few months prior, that we were doing... Continue Reading →

The South American Horn Enthusiast was perhaps one of the most aggressive people I’d ever met.  “No Wagner!”, he’d bellow.  “No Strauss!”. I needed a couple of drinks before pretty much every single meeting, encounter and event with him. He’d been introduced to us by The Inventor.  The Inventor was convinced that this was going to be the... Continue Reading →

I’d only, thankfully, had a couple of experiences of galas that involved auctions up until this point. One of them involved me having to transport the majority of the leather-infused ‘luxury prizes’ from the venue to my home after not having sold them at the promised premium.  Never again, I thought at the time.   Until now.  Around fifteen... Continue Reading →

In fairness, I hadn’t had a drink on the way there so this story shouldn’t really  qualify. I was still relatively junior at the Theatre Company but I had been selected to work on the first major event for some time with The Patron at their Country House.  The jockeying and cajoling that had been... Continue Reading →

It was my first event at the Really Big Palace.  I had a couple of drinks on the way there. The Mandarin Oriental in Knightsbridge was a great place to pick up Russian hookers in those days but on this occasion there was a forbidding ‘Residents Only’ sign outside. We needed dutch courage.  Not Russian hookers. ... Continue Reading →

I’d not had a couple of drinks before I got there on this occasion but the drinking began on arrival and just.  didn’t. stop. The Old Soldier had been having dinners for our benefit in his Residence at the Castle for a little while now.  The Beahive took as much credit for this development as she... Continue Reading →

Throughout the many crises that befell The Company, the senior management team tended to take to the pavement outside of the Theatre at curtain up and drink and smoke themselves into a staggering stupor.  New strategies were devised, celebrated and forgotten.   New inappropriate relationships were forged.  A sense of camaraderie in the absence of a meaningful... Continue Reading →

The Lanky Character Actor was notorious.  I’d heard about him long before I’d become a member of staff at the Regional Theatre Company.  Anyone who’d frequented the Region’s local hostelries seemed to have a story about how he’d propositioned them, sworn at them or fallen over in front of them. This man is destined to be... Continue Reading →

I’d had way more than a couple of drinks before I got there.  I’d basically been drinking all day and all evening in preparation for the ‘big event’.  And the ‘big event’ wasn’t even my first Upper East Side Soiree or my first night at Carnegie Hall.  It was a private dinner, after all of... Continue Reading →

The Chinese Property Magnate was a big deal for the charity.  He was the only donor that they’d had in their early days and the strategy from hereon seemed to be to fight over who was best placed to milk him for more. No-one seemed to like him very much, though.  And he didn’t seem... Continue Reading →

I never truly believed that she was a UN Goodwill Ambassador.  She had been introduced to us by The Shipping Heiress with a suggestion that she ‘could be very useful’.  I was going through a stage in my career when ‘the answer is always yes’ so I decided that this avenue was worth exploring.  Little... Continue Reading →

We knew that the Senior Member of a European Royal Family didn’t want to do the event.  They had been strategically guilted into it by a mutual acquaintance of our organisation’s even though the guest list, the ‘cause’ and the whole evening in general was doubtlessly going to prove exceptionally awkward.  The Chairman was delighted... Continue Reading →

The Croatian Hand Model’s idea of philanthropic support was forcing you to go out for dinner with her. “You need to have a relaxing evening when you can just be yourself”, she’d say.  “With me”, she meant. “At the weekend”, she meant.  At Nobu. Now, I’m not opposed to eating Black Cod and drinking high-grade sake... Continue Reading →

The Chairman was of the view that all organisational issues could be resolved with a weekend in the country.  We had gone through what was being described externally as a ‘period of change’.  It was, of course, a bloodbath from which the fallout was still descending, infecting all it touched with paranoia and toxicity. But... Continue Reading →

I’d had a couple of drinks on the way there.  I had. There is a famous pub next to The Regional Theatre (a rather inaccurately disparaging description for a national institution) that has fuelled pre-show and post-show predilections for many a year.  A couple of pints before the ‘do’.  And maybe during the show.  I’d seen... Continue Reading →